FINDING THE ONE: COURSE NOTES

THE RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT

When does dating become a relationship?

If you were to buy or rent a property, secure a job or buy a business, go for a holiday or make any large purchase you would expect there to be some paperwork evidencing an agreement. Just as we now have rental lease agreements and workplace agreements we now have relationship agreements which define and give security and commitment and insurance to a relationship.

A serious relationship will have commitment and will exhibit certain elements which give the relationship integrity. These elements which make a relationship serious are the contractual elements of offer, acceptance, capacity and consideration. Without these a relationship has no commitment and without these commitment cannot be defined.

A contractual relationship, such as the Relationship Agreement, will have offer by the suitor to the suitee, acceptance by the suitee, capacity in that both people have status and standing, and consideration, which is an item of value which passes from suitor to suitee (it does not mean simply taking into account the other person's feelings, it has a legal meaning being a item of value). In the parallel to the relationship agreement (which is the modern day version of betrothal) which is engagement, the item of value which passes from promisor to promisee is a ring and this is an item of value that validates the undertaking of engagement. In a contractual relationship the item of value is a troth or bond, or option fee, which is an offered and acceptable amount of money, which passes from wooer to wooee, and the agreement is for a set term of weeks or months or years.

A consideration, which is an item of value, and agreement as to the term makes the relationship binding and serious. This consideration is called the troth and is a pledge of fidelity and an honour payment. At the end of the term of the relationship, should the suitor ultimately fail to retain a heart, evidenced by a reciprocation by the suitee becoming the suitor and paying the troth back to the suitor in a renewal of the relationship, the suitee retains the money and the relationship concludes and is not renewed, although the suitor could tender another consideration to the suitee for a fresh relationship term. The term of the relationship is also negotiated at the outset and is typically a period of a few weeks or months. A prudent and practical course of action for those couples in an enduring relationship is to renew the agreement every 3 or 6 or 12 months and reciprocate the bond back and forth with each renewal.

If the parties are serious and have nothing to hide they will have no reason to not commit to the terms of the relationship agreement. Generally relationships as we know them are at best voidable contracts, if contracts at all, as there is no item of consideration and no agreed term and they are not binding, and hence not committed, and dumping with impunity can take place. Relationships where there is no consideration and no agreement as to initial term period and which run on love and infatuation and hope are risky ventures and one party can suffer being dumped without explanation and there is no comeback or recourse. Dumping is not an easy option with a relationship agreement and attracts a penalty and so the parties are committed to the term of the relationship. During the term of the relationship agreement the two parties can discuss a premature termination if they wish but it is generally up to the suitor and suitee to consent to an early termination. The suitee cannot prematurely terminate the relationship without consent or the penalty may be activated.

When the parties enter into a relationship agreement they commit and are serious and the agreement is enforceable and is a source of security much like a normal contractual arrangement as the elements of offer, acceptance, capacity and consideration are present in the agreement.

The penalty for breach, abuse etc. gives leverage to the party who is doing the right thing in a contractual relationship, should the other party do the wrong thing. The penalties do not favour either suitor or suitee but rather the party who is abiding by the agreement.

It is submitted that by entering into a common law contractual relationship agreement the party that receives the benefit of the consideration should not be entitled to receive anything more of the suitor than that which is contemplated by the contract for the duration of the contract/s. The party that has received the consideration cannot maintain other claims upon the payer than that which is allowed within the terms of the agreement unless they arise from malfeasance.

Suitability of a Relationship Agreement

A Relationship Agreement is not a pre-nuptual in contemplation of a union under the Marriage Act 1961. A Relationship Agreement is the Common Law alternative to engagement and marriage. Both marriage or cohabitation for a lengthy period of time in the absence of a relationship agreement puts assets at risk. To live together for a lengthy period of time without a relationship agreement is unwise. Under a Relationship Agreement which is current the total liability is that which is contemplated and provided for under the agreement. A Relationship Agreement is relationship insurance.

A Relationship Agreement is attractive to the person who, perhaps due to past experiences, cannot motivate themselves to find a relationship due to the uncertain nature of today's relationships, being, often as not, without certainty or commitment. The person using an RA is seeking a relationship which is more certain and secure and not an endeavour of risk. They are, in effect, seeking to insure the relationship against uncertainty and premature termination. An RA helps to ensure that one does not suffer being prematurely dumped and suffer anguish and a broken heart which none of us wants.

Also there are many people who lack the knowledge or the personal skills or personal commitment to start or conduct a relationship and lacking such knowledge, skills or personal commitment many potential relationships go off the rails and fail. A Relationship Agreement gives some structure to early relationships and gives certainty, direction and guidelines.

Reliability is a good guide as to whether there is serious commitment. The RA helps ensure that there will be reliability. The two parties would not enter into the RA if they did not intend to commit and be reliable for the period of time committed to. The RA turns a fumbling or cautious relationship into a committed relationship which is strong and a source of comfort and strength. Two people who feel they are committed will have no qualms in documenting their commitment in an RA.

Many people find themselves dating on the internet people who will not commit or not commit for long or for good due to the endless choice of new dates available to them and the belief that they can always find someone better if things get difficult or unexciting. An RA helps in grounding these elusive wandering butterflies who are constantly searching the internet for fresh and better dates. Such is the risk from finding your dates from the internet, as many of these people are becoming risky long term relationship material due to being spoiled.

A Relationship Agreement is an essential tool for the person who fears that any person they get close to or get involved with is going to run away, be unreliable or disappear on them if they try to get close and emotionally rely upon them and form a relationship which they fear may evaporate or unduly terminate abruptly. A Relationship Agreement, in the terms, outlines the responsibilities of either or both parties to initiate communication a minimum number of times per week and on these calls trysts and assignations should be planned. This is because relationships can die if people do not keep in contact, as they should, so agreed contact is part of the agreement.

Those reticent about entering into a Relationship Agreement with someone they like are either indicating that they are not prepared to significantly commit to the other person who likes them or are sending a message to the other person that it is OK for either of them to keep looking and they wish to reserve that option.

The RA allows people to discuss issues central to the running of relationship like how long, who pays for dates, who keeps in touch, things which should be discussed early on in a budding relationship and a mutual agreement can be reached and committed to. An RA allows a couple to experience a deeper level of commitment, to have a special experience between them which can form a sound foundation for an ongoing relationship or later marriage, even when the RA has expired should the relationship continue in the absence of an RA.

Men are perhaps more interested in having an RA than women but women should be interested in entering into an RA because men are comfortable in committing when done through by way of a Relationship Agreement with Consideration. So for women it is an ideal way to get a man to commit. If women want to engage a man in a relationship it can be done with an RA.

There may also be those who like the contractual relationship agreement format and are happy to go from contractual relationship to contractual relationship and never be out of a relationship for long. These people, who may in time be termed RA groupies or grapies, would always like to be in a secure relationship for a guaranteed time as they are continue to search for their perfect partner. They would move from agreed relationship to agreed relationship every few months, fitting in a number of relationships per year as part of the search for the ultimate One.

It is envisaged that a Relationship Agreement and a marriage can co-exist. Either the first arrangement would take precedence or the marriage that supplants the RA would take precedence. It would depend upon an examination of the vows and the relevant Acts to determine. Relationship agreements by people contemplating marriage are recognized in the Family Law Act 1975 (sections 71A and 90B) where they are termed financial agreements as opposed to pre nuptials.

How to Introduce the Relationship Agreement.

When you have met someone who really takes your fancy, to transport the friendship to a serious relationship or trial relationship, the would be suitor should entreat the other party, whom they like, to enter into a relationship agreement and to consent, participate and commit, though not necessarily forever or for an indeterminate period of time, but for an agreed period of time and then either conclude, renew or drift on without the relationship agreement.

On the first or second date if you fancy the person and you have determined that they seem accommodating and may find you acceptable and have no qualms about further meetings you could say either "I'd be prepared to entertain a relationship proposition from you" or "Let me tell where I am heading". Bring out two copies of the agreement form and put one down in front of them for them to read and perhaps, if you are game, lay down your preferred amount in cash on the table and say "Let me show you that my intentions are honourable. As you can imagine the reason why I am dating is that I am looking for a relationship with someone who is serious too and to prove my intentions and honour I would like to ask you whether you would be agreeable to entering into a relationship agreement with me for a few months. I am offering you a consideration bond to enter into a relationship agreement with me for an agreed period. Read it through first." They will have never seen anything like the RA you have laid down in front of them and will be surprised and intrigued.

Another way you could lead into the RA is to show them again your card upon which you have the words, "Int. in RA". They may ask, or you may have to guide them, "What is an RA" to which you answer "I am interested in having a relationship agreement for a set period of time to see how things go. I'll show you one". They may have seen these words on your card when they first rang you and asked "What is an RA?" to which your answer should have been "I'll show you when we meet".

Other lines you could use are "Would you enter into one of these with me?" or "Well again, as I said before when I gave you the card, nothing ventured, nothing gained. What objections would have to entering into a Relationship Agreement with me for a few months to see how things go with a honourable consideration from me to you?" By the laying down of an amount is in cash the other person will be impressed and see you as an honourable person willing to pay them a consideration or bond for a relationship. The response should be very interesting even if you just do a few for fun and practice to make your dates interesting.

Don't expect the person shown is going to sign up for a relationship straight away, though they might. Showing the RA at the beginning sets the tone and is a starting point and gives some direction in the dating and forms a basis for discussion and shows whether that person is prepared to enter into a relationship with you. They may want to think about it and come back to you later. The RA forms a basis for negotiation and agreement and can have an influence without ever being entered into. You will generally not secure an completed RA on the first date but it can set the scene for one later on when you come back to it. If the person never wants to enter into a relationship agreement with you it is an indication that they are not prepared to commit to you for any length of time.

If your prospective wooee does not wish to take to the water straight away and accept your offer of the consideration you could tell them that if they wish to take time to think about it then you might reduce the amount so that it will be less if they are not so sure about you. Delay and hesitancy show that they may not really be prepared to take you seriously or are not serious about relationships themselves. If they delay, reduce the consideration as they continue to procrastinate and time goes by. This should help them make up their mind to participate and commit. In time if they want you it could be they who is paying you or delay could lead to a dual play.

A person, a prospective suitor or suitee, can also make it known that she/he is available for a relationship on the terms of the RA, if the other person wishes to pay a suitable consideration. Ladies would probably have more success with this proposition and will generally find that a prospective male suitor or suitee will find in the RA something that is attractive as men seem to find something intriguing about RA's.

It is possible that the other person will want to consider and ask if they can have a copy of the RA. It was a condition of the course that the RA and the course notes are not to be given away free, even to interested parties. The course notes were not to be divulged or given away or sold at all, but the RA is an item of value and if they want a copy of the RA they have to come up with a consideration which they pay you which you can either take off the cost of the course or take into account should a consideration for a relationship be forthcoming at a later meeting. Chances are you may never see the person again so they should not get an RA free as they are of value. The preferred cost they should pay you is $20 - $50 for a copy. Hence if you have shown the RA on dates which lead nowhere and the date wants a copy of the RA, and some will be prepared to pay to get a copy of it, particularly if you have laid down your offer of a troth first, you can find that you are being paid for your time to have dates which become profitable dates, much like having a second job, and very soon the cost of the course to you will have been recovered.

Some of the people you see may later wish to go on to do the course to help them find someone and this should be encouraged as more people will be needed for future courses and they also will have the opportunity when dating to reduce their course outlay cost to $0 and even be paid to date.

Plays

The standard offer or play is where the suitor, the approaching party, tenders a consideration or troth to the suitee of so much for so long. A typical example of amount and time is $300 - $600 for 3 months but you can vary this. For a couple contemplating cohabitation and seeking to protect assets the period may be for 1 - 10 years with a consideration of $1,000 to $10,000 or so.
In some cases the approaching party may contrive circumstances so as to be the recipient of a consideration from the suitee by making it known that she/he is available for a serious relationship if the suitee is happy to consent and commit and pay the consideration. Two copies, one each, of the agreement should be filled out and one kept by each

Another play is where both parties pay a consideration, either of equal or differing amounts to each other. Each should bring their own money separately to the agreement and exchange. Four copies of the agreement form are filled out, one for each party for the suitor's consideration to the suitee and one for each party for the suitee's consideration to the suitor. Both agreements exist alongside each other and are both binding in their own right.

Another move, that has been suggested, is that the suitor pays the consideration to the suitee with the understanding that if they are still together at the end of the term the money goes towards paying for a holiday away together.

Ideally at the end of the term the suitee will want to continue the relationship and will do a reciprocation and will pay the consideration back to the suitor and a renewed relationship agreement will be entered into with the suitee, now suitor, paying the consideration or a different amount to the other party. If not the relationship ends amicably or drifts on without written commitment and security and no one gets unceremoniously dumped.

It is a good idea for a third party to hold on to the money/s until the end of the term. The Public Trustee who has offices in various suburbs can fulfil this role. The bond moneys can be deposited with the Public Trustee with a photocopy of the RA, or a photocopy of each RA if it is reciprocated agreement with two separate bond moneys.

When is physical intimacy permissible or advisable?

There are two schools of thought upon the matter of when physical intimacy becomes permissible.

The first school of thought says no sex without commitment. That means no physical intimacy prior to a relationship agreement being competed between the two parties. However after that, commitment means commitment and that means commitment by both parties and as a relationship involves a physical dimension physical intimacy gets the green light, from the instant of commitment to the relationship.

The second school of thought says that you should try before you buy and be not unequally yoked. If you don't want to find yourself in a relationship agreement commitment with a person you may be unequal to sexually or who is not satisfying you should address that issue prior to commitment. That is, there should be a test run or two first with the expressed expectation that if performance is up to standard commitment will be sought after in the form of a completed relationship agreement. You don't want to find you are in relationship, which has a physical dimension, if the person is not able to satisfy (although failure to perform is a grounds for rescindment of the agreement).

A Relationship Agreement does not disallow a party having an outside relationship or affair but under the terms the party having an undisclosed and unconsented to second relationship or affair would most likely be guilty of the tort of misrepresentation should they be questioned and found out and also could fail to perform in all respects (e.g. become unreliable) and hence on two counts be liable for double the agreed measure of penalty/damages.

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