DATING DO'S AND DON'TS

Dating is interviewing for prospective partners for a relationship. If dating does not have direction and purpose and a desired outcome it is just making new friends or spinning your wheels. With your cards you can make each date a productive exercise.

DO'S

To be attractive you have to dress nice and act nice. Dress well so that you give a good impression upon the first meeting. You have to be accommodating and not rigid, inflexible or dogmatic. Be prepared to meet the other person half way. When two people meet it is like two foreign worlds coming together so be diplomatic and polite and agreeable. Don't always set high standards for the other person to meet if you are not meeting those standards yourself. Don't set unrealistic expectations in the person you are seeking. The higher your expectations the more you may be disappointed if you are not the ultimate prize yourself.

Allow them to do the talking and be a good listener. Allow the other person to do most of the talking and show that you are happy to be a good listener but can converse when called upon to do so but lead back to questions to get them to disclose. Don't dominate the conversation by talking about what only you want to talk about. You are there to learn if that person is suitable, and participate, not entertain or convert. Show interest in what the other person is saying. Ask them directive questions and give directive answers. (Directive means that those questions and answers guide the conversation and lead it in the direction you want it to go like a rudder without monopolizing the conversation). Ask questions based upon what they have been saying and let them do most of the talking. Try to strike a balance where they do two thirds to three quarters of the conversation and you do a third to a quarter of the conversation. Certainly a nice person who is interested in you may seek to get you to do most of the talking but a purpose of the date is for you to gather information to determine if you have common interests. Certainly this is not to say that you should not be revealing during the date. Be happy to disclose secrets if you wish but not at length. Revealing your thoughts leads to intimacy and trust but don't use the date to pour out your problems as if to a therapist. Be revealing, if you wish, but get them to reveal more. If they don't open up to you then you should not feel you are obliged to open up to them.

Be agreeable and agree with what they are saying, tell them they are right and that they are intelligent and interesting. It is nice to find someone who agrees with you and who compliments you so present yourself as such a person. Don't interrogate or seek to convince or convert but interrelate and compliment.

Show attentiveness
Look them in the eyes about 90% of the time they are talking and look them in the eyes also about 90% of the time when you are doing the talking. Show attentiveness. Lean forward and tilt your head when you are listening to them. Don't dominate the conversation, you are not there to entertain, convince or convert but to participate, interact and gather information such as common interests and lay down a foundation for a possible relationship.

Ask questions from the questions sheet, memorize some of the questions so you can use them to discover what the person is like. Be diplomatic and don't argue or try to prove a point, it really doesn't matter. You are not there to convert a stranger to your point of view. The best way to change someone is to change them for someone else so if they are just not right enough then move on.

Even if you don't care for the person practice your relating skills and dating skills and be agreeable and seek to build the person up. Even if you don't want that person as a relationship partner or friend be nice to them so they will think you are a very nice person and so you can give them 5 or so cards for them to pass out to people they know or meet that they may think suitable for you. If you are not interested so much in them you could start asking them about their friends, are they all attached, are they single, what do they do, where do they go etc. etc.

Entwining

Search for common interests with a person you are interested in and start to entwine along the lines of your joint interests. Seek to find what you have in common. Delve into them and reveal your past experiences, aspirations, training, work, family and perhaps the good side of past relationships. Seek to find common ground for a joint purpose or joint venture and find things that they enjoy doing that you enjoy doing. It could be something like visiting a different park in Sydney each Saturday and Sunday or a plan to go on a holiday to a place you both want to go to or starting a networking business together so you can leave your jobs and be together. Starting a business or service together, with preferably no major outlay, is a good way of learning about the other person. It is important to be reliable to build trust and if you care for the person you will be reliable. If you say you are going to do something then do it.

Being Supportive.

A relationship requires that both parties be mutually supportive to each other, taking an interest in what is important to each other and assisting each other to achieve their desires and interests and goals which will mutually enrich the relationship. If you really are interested in or like/love a person you will want to help them succeed or be satisfied, be it in their work, business, hobbies, aspirations etc. Take an interest in finding out what the other person is trying to achieve, delve into their desires and support them with practical suggestions, actions, offers, and real assistance that they will appreciate and value you highly for. Make yourself more than just a catch but be useful and valuable to them.

The Endless Dance of Reciprocation

A relationship involves reciprocation and this dance of reciprocation can start even before the relationship formally commences as in friendship. By reciprocation is meant you make a move, e.g. an offer to find or get them something etc. and see if it is reciprocated. You may tell them you believe in doing favours for someone if you like them and, if they enjoy your attentions or friendship, they will reciprocate by doing favours back and a friendship is born and trust is built. If they do not soon start to reciprocate within, say, three favours move on. A move might be paying for their drink or making a phone call and ask them to make the next call or giving them a gift or getting them some useful information. Let them know what they can do for you to reciprocate.
Having a relationship is an endless dance of reciprocation where you do favours for each other and help each other. An attentive person will seek to show interest and make a move. Encourage them because they may be shy and unsure whether you like them. Some people will think you are just being friendly unless you are more obvious. Let them know you like and appreciate them and don't play games.
Reciprocation also requires that you will need to compromise in some areas and accommodate the other person in their wants and desires. Reciprocation also will require that the other person will need to appreciate that for a relationship to be viable they will need to compromise and accommodate you as well. Compromise will require patience and understanding and tolerance within acceptable limits on both sides. If you both have an overriding attraction to each other this should not be too difficult and will signify respect and by respecting each other's differences, along with continuing reciprocation, trust, which is essential for a mutually beneficial relationship, will grow.

Be the catch. Make yourself a catch and don't be doing all the chasing. 50% of men chase and 50% like or prefer to be chased and the ratio for women is that most like to be chased but 35 - 40% will do some chasing, but are much more subtle about it. Make yourself the catch by dress and manner and friendliness and if you like the other person let yourself be caught.

Men have shorter wicks than women. Men get interested more quickly and women take longer to get interested and aroused so be friends first and create a firm foundation upon which a relationship can be built.

It is important to meet in person as soon as possible and not carry on telephone, or phoney, and email relationships as such tend to evaporate upon meeting in person if the person is not to your fancy. Aim to meet a person found on the internet in person as soon as possible and so not waste time on phoney relationships. You could arrange to meet at an event or a coffee shop. You should arrange for the first date to meet in a public place such as an event or coffee shop or pub for drinks or coffee. Don't start out with a dinner for a first date.

On one of your dates have your date go through and fill out the questionnaire profile sheet (the sheet with 4 x 20 questions covering money, work, relationships and lifestyle). Photocopy off plenty of spares first and don't write on the original.

If you are attracted to the other person tell them you never make the first move physically, that way you don't get into any trouble and its not your fault if anything goes wrong and things fall apart but tell them they are most welcome to initiate anything if they wish and you will reciprocate.

If you are only really attracted to 5% of members of the opposite sex then probably only 5% of members of the opposite sex are really attracted to you. That means that for 1 in 20 members of the opposite sex to whom you are attracted there is probably a match and a probable relationship.

The overall aim of each meeting is to arrange the next meeting. Don't leave a date until you have the next date booked and decided what you are going to do and where you are going to go. Don't leave it to a later phone call late in the week to arrange the next date. It is nice to know that it has been organized and committed to and not left hanging. Use the final part of the date to discuss things you can do together and where you can go together and what you will do for your next date. Visibly take out your diary and enter the date of the next date in your diary. Confirm a day before the next date.

DONT'S

Don't bring up past baggage or talk about your past relationships (if you must then keep it brief) but try to get them to talk about their past relationships and why they ended. Past performance is the best guide to future performance. If they talk disparagingly about their past relationships it can be a guide that one day they will talk to others about you in the same way. If you have had bad experiences in past relationships don't rehash them in the conversation. Put those experiences behind you and head off in a new direction in your dates. Otherwise your date may think what happened before reveals much about you and may not want to see you again, nor give out your cards.

If you fancy them don't talk to them about having dated on the internet or having attended singles events if they do not do so, or even if they do do so. Act as if such events or the internet dating do not exist. They may think if you discuss them or attend them you are transient and will not commit. They may also start to become interested in the events and wish to visit them rather than spend time on weekends with you.

However If you don't fancy them then talk about other singles events and about internet dating experiences and the ft1 course and recommend they try going to the events to where people can be met or that they do the course if they want to meet someone. Give them 5 or so of your cards for them to pass on to their suitable friends.

Question for next week: When does dating become a relationship?

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